Won't somebody think of the children?

January. A month of depression. It’s so cold that the hands of the worker bees are unable to rub together the few pennies they have remaining after the ‘festive’ period. Is there a glimmer of light amongst this incessantly grey sky?

There used to be, but it has been snuffed out by the childish behaviour of bored entrepreneurs.

I am talking of the January transfer window.

As Christmas crept up on us, adopting the most camp woolly hat and stripy jumper combo in an attempt to pull off a wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing look, the January transfer window gave many something to occupy their thoughts other than impending debt. The appeal is obvious; every human being likes gossip. Women enjoy gossiping about people they know, people they don’t, people that are yet to exist and/ or people whose existence has come to an end. They do this on a regular basis. Whereas men stand back with upturned noses thinking ‘Bloody women, always gossiping’, as they take a big, manly gulp of their big, manly beer. However, when that beer comes to rest, briefly, beside the beer mat that it should be on, the men will say “Have you heard about [insert football team] being linked with [insert unlikely signing]?”. That is man-gossip (or ‘Mossip’ as I prefer to call it in accordance with my word-fusing fad).

Mossip is everywhere, and January is mossip’s goldilocks zone – everything is just right. It's dark, we’re poor, cold, fat dealing with the anti-climax of Christmas and New Year (that we really should have come to expect by now) and annoyed because of all of the above. What better way to treat your depression than by absorbing rumours and regurgitating them to feed your obsession in some kind of gossip shaped bulimia. There is no better way of fuelling your habit than by perching yourself in front of the budgie’s mirror that is Sky Sport’s News.

Sky Sports News is free and when you watch it in your house you can either have the heating on or go for the environmentally, and wallet, friendly option of immersing yourself in a duvet-cocoon (ducoon?). Once tucked away like a caterpillar you will not be able to get to the kitchen without becoming cold again, thereby ruling out the possibility of piling on the pounds through the consumption of unhealthy foods. Plus, as that bloke who used to be on Blue Peter reels off the same transfer rumours for the 18th time that day you will be thinking ‘Santa who?’ and ‘Auld Lang what?’. The January transfer window is the cure for the post-festive blues.

At least it used to be.

The puerile actions of supposedly savvy gents have tarnished the transfer window so much that we are left with the white-out reserved for unsuccessful businesses. These participants have made themselves look like awful clowns. Here (in no particular order) is a quick breakdown of the transfer-related idiocies we laughed at nervously in January:

1. Craig ‘Let me go to your most hated rivals’ Bellamy.
2. How much Manchester City paid for Nigel de Jong.
3. How many times Manchester City tried to buy Roque Santa Cruz.
4. Manchester City then being unable to justify spending £25million on Roque Santa Cruz.
5. The Kaka saga.
6. Manchester City.
7. AC Milan’s attempted theft of the jewel in the MLS tiara.
8. Charles Insomnia.
9. How much Wigan paid for ‘Charlie’.
10. Harry Redknapp’s explicit shopping list.
11. Tottenham buying back Jermain Defoe.
12. Tottenham buying back Pascal Chimbonda.
13. Tottenham buying back Robbie Keane.
14. Tottenham.
15. Liverpool selling Robbie Keane.
16. How much Liverpool sold Robbie Keane for.
17. Liverpool.
18. Andrei Arshavin’s light switch transfer to Arsenal.
19. Julien Faubert’s loan to Real Madrid.
20. Carlton Cole being linked with Juventus.

The 20 points above are not to be taken lightly; they display in HD quality the beginning of the end for football. Although people now ask “What team do you support?” they will soon be saying “Whose transfers are you interested in?”. The real ‘game’ is being played in offices by juvenile business-folk who have absolutely no interest in the magic happening on the turf every week. They are purely interested in results, and results are not what count in football; what is done with the football is what really counts, results should be seen as a mere by-product of such talent. The tremendous skill possessed by the likes of Kaka is glossed over by the astronomical figures welded to their names as a way of proliferating ticket and shirt sales in an attempt to boost profits. The Premier League is Football Manager for billionaires.

Ironically, the child-like actions of few have taken the fun out of the transfer window for everyone. It brings to mind when you play-fight with a sibling, only for a responsible adult to shout “It’ll all end in tears!”.

Even stranger is the way that this immaturity has forced the transfer window into becoming a carbon copy of the ultimate O.A.P. trap – bingo. The wealthy teams assume the role of the callers; hollering random, huge numbers to the financially challenged in the hope they will shout “House!” and hold up their star-player so he can be checked and then exchanged for vast sums of money.

Even when played by the mature population Bingo is the most ridiculous version of gambling to have been created by mankind; however, when played by the less-mature it becomes a poor joke in the repertoire of unfunny clowns.

When children can't play nice, they shouldn't be allowed to play at all. Shut the window.